I have been through a series of relationships... 7 to be exact. All but one were good, the rest were bad situations. But i managed to come out of all these situations taking my lessons with me and hoping to help someone with the mistakes i endured over the years. I was always in love with the idea of being in love, a hopeless romantic as they call it. I believed if i found someone that had the same viewpoints on love as i did, we would have that storybook love you see in the movies. Unfortunately its not that simple, you will be very lucky if you get it right first time. Here are some things i have learned that maybe you can take with you in your travels to find love.
-Tip #1: Do Not "Love Hop"
From the age of 16 i was constantly in a relationship, i was never single.. if i ended one relationship id jump right into another one to soothe the pain. That does temporarily help but if you are not fully over the last person you will complicate the new situation.. leading to a big headache. You will have issues that you blame the new guy for before he even steps foot in the door. A person will only deal with that mess for only so long. Another reason why its good to have a gap between relationships is because you need time to process what has happened, and to get yourself make together. When u left the other relationship most times we feel like that person was a part of us and now we no longer feel whole. You cannot go into another relationship not feeling good enough to stand on your own two feet. Be okay being alone, otherwise you will develop dependency issues.
-Tip #2: Believe the Signs..
When we first fall in love with someone you feel like you are on a natural high, so its hard to see things that may not seem right. Keep your eyes open to what is going on around you, don't lose sight of that. Also if your gut is showing you things that don't seem right DON'T IGNORE IT! You will ALWAYS look back and know your gut feelings were right. Even if you don't understand why you feel that way. If something doesn't seem right, most likely it isn't.. we have that sensor inside of us for a reason. Intuition takes us ladies a long way. If you think hes cheating, sweetie most likely he is, screw playing interrogator or inspector gadget.. it just will make you seem insecure.. if you gotta do all that then you don't trust him, and if you don't trust him you shouldn't be with him.
-Tip#3: Cut the Cord..
Whatever decision you decide to make with your relationship, make it and wash your hands of it.. the thinking is meant to be made BEFORE you make the decision NOT after. Feel ok about what you do so that there is no regret in the future. We have a tendency to be very see-sawish about things and let ppl deter our decisions so easily. It shouldn't be that simple for someone to do that. Make your own decisions and then stick with it.
-Tip#4: You Deserve what you put up with
If you KNOW what you are dealing with is Bullshit... and everyone and they mama told you shit wasn't right and you still fucking with them?? Don't blame anyone but yourself.. seems like we get in a state of denial hoping it isn't true. Denial doesn't change a situation, it only causes more frustration in the relationship. No one should be in a relationship where theres an obvious Elephant in the room. Deal with the problems promptly at hand. If you let them Bullshit you they will happily continue to do it, its not affecting them like it is you.. If its your first time dealing with something its understandable, but if you KNOW whats happening and you are simply holding on to hope, then shame on you, snap out of it and come back to reality.
-Tip#5: YOU CANT CHANGE A MAN
How many times does this have to be spoken about before women get this, no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, you CANT CHANGE A MAN!!!!!!! They will do what they want to do no matter how you contribute to it. They will change when they want to change. If you ever hear a man say "i want you to mold me", or "i know you can help me be a better man".. its BULLSHIT.. You knew who he was before, and it wont stop because you are in the picture.. you think it is but he's just keeping those flaws more dormant and out of your sight. When a man tells you or shows you who they are, BELIEVE IT!!! Theres nothing you can do to correct that mans wrongs... you can change their clothes, but that's about it, the loser is still under those clothes.
-Tip#6: Know who YOU are
Alot of women think they need a man to help them define who they are. We all love a warm spot next to us in the bed but believe me when i tell you that when you find happiness all by yourself you will feel 10 times better about life than finding it when a man enters your life. If you cant go to the movies by yourself or enjoy a day without anyone around you all day, then you are not self sufficient. The only people we should be that attached to is our family. If they love you they will stick around.. and men can see when you are okay with yourself, makes you more appealing to them. Theres nothing worse than a woman that seems weak, cant stand on her own feet. If you can act like you will be fine without them it will make them appreciate you alot more, and will work hard to make sure not to lose you.
-Tip#7: Accept them for who they are or leave
Like i said before you cannot change someone, if they aren't compatible and you aren't willing to stick it out then its not going to work. No one is perfect so if you are expecting perfect compatibility then you are in for a rude awakening. A relationship basically is dealing with the cards you were dealt. If you love someone you will be willing to tolerate their flaws (just make sure the flaws aren't bad things that will hurt your relationship).. Love someone for them, there is no such thing as perfection. There always be something he does that totally irks you (ie: doesn't put down the toilet seat, snores, sloppy, stubborn) but that's THEM.. if they aren't willing to change it or compromise then let it be.. its not the worst thing in the world.
-Tip#8: NO EXES!!!!!!!
When you are in a relationship on NO levels is it ok to still have your exes in your life!!!! I don't care what you think is ok, THIS IS NOT OK!! They are an ex for a reason, leave them in your past. Its not fair for the new mate to deal with this. It doesn't matter if y'all are "friends" or one is in a relationship so they shouldn't have to worry about anything, its bullshit and that person deep down isn't ok with it. Cut that mess OFF!!
-Tip#9: Don't just meet their representative
Most times the person we fall in love with is the person they want us to see.. so basically don't rush into anything.. take it slow. Time will eventually reveal someones true colors. Their representative is the person you first see on the surface. Also don't look at that person as being the one you settle down with.. have no expectations so that you wont be so disappointed when it doesn't pan out the way you thought it would.
-Tip#10: Don't FIGHT fate
If that man loves you he isn't going anywhere. If that man is asking to be let out, LET HIM!!! Don't fight to keep him around, you will seem desperate. You should NEVER have to break your back to keep him around. Let that man walk out the door if he wants to.. and let HIM regret the decision.. you didn't make it.. HE did. If he left then he didn't appreciate you for who you were. Also VERY IMPORTANT, don't blame yourself for why it didn't work out unless its obvious it was something you did. You can do EVERYTHING right but if that man isn't ready for a commitment he will leave you or screw you over. (CANNOT CHANGE A MAN to be ready).. So don't beat yourself up about why he left.. when he says "Its not you its me.." hes telling the TRUTH. If he loves you he will come back, keep your dignity and don't chase him.
I hope these help for the women pursuing a healthy relationship... sometimes you have to experience things, learn from them in order to prosper in life. I have been through every messed up thing in relationships but I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life and I'm SINGLE!! I don't have excess baggage, no exes I'm still messing with, I'm not bitter.. when the right man comes along i will know all the right things to do. If he leaves, *shrugs* fuck it.. :)