Friday, January 8, 2010

Writers Block: "You" By: P. Wedderburn

"i could relate to every word, verbatim.." -MiQah


Some days I don’t feel like breathing. Some days, the blinds are best left closed and my chest meets the sheets in a lifeless sprawl. Or sometimes it’s belly up like a snake faking its own death; eyes following a ceiling fan. And I can’t stand the direction my minds running.

I wake up wanting so badly to make time move faste. I want to slow myself down to microseconds and stop myself before my lips form the next word. Like a dog, I can sense when the storm coming, but instead of putting my tail between my legs and lying down, I tend to howl through the rain and thunder. All of my mental scars are all self-inflicted. I keep myself up at night trying to be strong for you because I feel so weak. I can’t sleep without you next to me because the feelings of doubt come crawling up with their teeth bared and intentions heavy.

I don’t think many people can honestly say they know what it feels like to be the single source of light in someone’s darkness. Maybe you haven’t realized how much I mean that. I do with every ounce of me. You’re the glowing exit sign when I can’t take anyone else in the room anymore. You’re the first drop of water in the middle of the desert canyon. You’re the sun in every single one of my mornings and when I step outside, baby, you make it shine.

I’ve experienced low. And I know what the lowest of them all feels like. But you we’re always in the peripheral, even when I swore I was alone. I’m terrified of the ringing in my ears one day causing me to go deaf, not because music would cease to exist in my world, but because I wouldn’t be able to hear the sound of your voice as we’re speaking softly to each other in the middle of the night. That’s something I can’t comprehend. You’ve become my music, in every way, shape, and form. You’re my only muse; the center of everything I know. I watch the way your body moves and your voice rings like an angel even when you’re angry. I know you’ll never see yourself the way I see you. I hope no one else ever has the chance to see you the way that I do, because god knows I will never melt in someone’s eyes the way I have in yours. The simplicity of your company incinerates the rest of the world and life itself.

I’ve seen relationships that don’t add up to half of what you’ve shown me. What we have is real, because I’ve seen what happens when people cheat themselves into the idea of happiness. There is no idea with us, just emotion. There’s this feeling you give me every time we’re together that I don’t have a name for. It’s something so beautiful and pure and untouched that it can’t be anything other than love, although, I’m convinced it’s something more.

I never want to let you down. I want to promise you the world without hesitation or constant fear that I’m going to fuck you over. I want to be the super hero before the world realizes that, underneath the cape and mask, there’s just the loner geek down the block. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to see you cry, knowing that I helped cause it, instead of being the one to hold you until everything’s okay again.

We face stares every day and we meet them with smiles. We drive aimlessly just because the car feels so much more comfortable than a room. We make slow passionate love and we fuck the hell out of each other. Our names have slowly become a phrase rather than two separate statements. At first I was apprehensive about it, but now my name doesn’t sound right when yours isn’t right behind it. You have become a part of me, conjoined at my hip. When your hand isn’t there to hold, I feel a physical piece of myself missing. Air just doesn’t sit right in my palm. And days just don’t happen when were not speaking in unison. You have not only stolen my heart, but picked it apart and exposed parts of myself I’ve never known to exist before.

Without you, I am nothing but blood, bones, and impulse. Without you, I am nothing.

And I’m in love with you. More than there seems to be an explanation for. More than anyone else can see at all.

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